Love is patient
Love expresses truth, then waits for it to set in, like a farmer waits for seed to harvest. Paul said one of the reasons to show patience is that God may use our words and tone to "grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth" (2 Tim. 2:25).
Example: "You must feel pretty strongly about this. But does feeling something strongly really make it true?"
Love is kind
When someone accuses you of "transphobia," it's easy to get defensive or lash out. But Proverbs 15:1 recommends a "gentle" answer. When someone knows you disagree with them, they may also presume you look down on them. Let your kind manner challenge that error.
Example: "Disagreement is not denigration. I can disagree with you about an idea and still love you as my friend."
Love is not self-seeking
Love wants a person to be within God's will more than it wants to be liked (3 John 1:4). So if you know a person is female yet call her "him," then you're sacrificing fidelity to truth, despite being Christ's ambassador (2 Cor. 5:20). Love won't do that. And while this winsome approach may please people, seeking acceptance at the expense of truth is something Jesus Himself warned against: "Woe to you when everyone speaks well of you" (Luke 6:26).
Example: "Our relationship matters to me, and I don't want to lose it. But I would not ask you to say something you don't believe in just to appease me. Please don't ask me to do that, either."
Love rejoices in truth
The preferred pronouns debate is about essential truth. If God predetermines our sex before birth, wouldn't attempts to change our sex be an act of rebellion against our Creator? If so, is this an essential truth or a secondary issue over which we can "agree to disagree"? Since love rejoices in truth, we need to know.
Scripture describes our sex as foreknown and foreordained, a point David expounds upon in Psalm 139:13: "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb," and which God affirmed to Jeremiah, declaring, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you" (Jer. 1:5). Attempts to change what's foreordained are condemned by God: "Shall what is formed say to the one who formed it, 'You did not make me'? Can the pot say to the potter, 'You know nothing'? (Isa. 29:16). Since God pronounces woe to anyone striving with his Maker (Isa. 45:9), we cannot say God made a mistake. We can love and respect a transgender person without aligning ourselves with an untruth.
Example: "I'll do my best not to offend you by avoiding pronouns or proper names when I refer to you. But I won't say what I don't think is true. I hope you understand." (See suggested article below on navigating pronouns in work, church, and family contexts.)
Love always perseveres
Paul said, "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone" (Rom. 12:18). Be the one who perseveres by making it clear you want to preserve the bond, and that your love and regard will not die, even if they're refused. Love, after all, never fails.
Example: "I won't abandon this relationship over our differences. I pray you won't, either. But if you do, my door will stay open to you, just as my love will."
Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, NIV. © 2011.
Recommended resources
- "A Gospel Response to Gender Dysphoria" (YouTube video), Linda A. Seiler, PhD
- "Should I Call Him 'Her?'" (YouTube video), Joe Dallas
© ReStory Ministries. This page reproduces the guide's content; the full formatted version is available as a PDF above.